Tuesday, April 26, 2005
No Contest!
I was in my best friend’s bathroom the other day, snooping, when I spied his deodorant stick sitting on the sink. On the cap of the stick was a sticker, showing a baseball player in mid-swing. It read, “WIN A-ROD’S ROAD TRIP!” There was a lot of fine print below the picture, and the lighting was kind of bad in there, so I had to squint really hard. Here’s what I found:
No Purchase Necessary. Void where prohibited. Prohibited in NY, CA, MA, IL, WA, FL, MN, NC, SC, DC, TX, VA, MD, GA, PA, OR, MO, WI. Ages 16-19 only. Females only. Russians absolutely not welcome. A-Rod may not be available to travel on trip. Restrictions apply. A-Rod is restricted from talking to winner or acknowledging winner. Winner is restricted from asking about A-Rod or mentioning A-Rod. A-Rod reserves the right to travel separately from Winner. Winner must not attempt to invite A-Rod over to other means of transportation. A-Rod is comfortable with his own choices. How much does A-Rod make, and how much do you make? You brain-dead hick. A-Rod disavows any knowledge of trip itinerary and/or duration. A-Rod is his own man. He might pop down to Nobu for some Loaded Potato Skins, or he might jet to Paris for a can of Pringles, ya’ll don’t know. Ya’ll don’t know how A-Rod be doin’ this shit, cuz ya’ll is stupid. A-Rod = HERO. You = MAGGOTS. A-Rod don’t mess with worms, baby… A-Rod’s the pimp, the flyest player on the strip. Best believe, baby. A-Rod requests Winner present him with a fresh fan’s arm each day for the purposes of “ritual bloodletting.” A-Rod reserves the right to use the arms for any purpose in addition to the bloodletting. Winner must not approach A-Rod at any time. A-Rod believes this is an easy way to “get the fuck smacked outcha”. A-Rod didn’t want to hit ya, baby, he didn’t! Believe A-Rod! It’s just…it’s just you make A-Rod so mad, baby! A-Rod didn’t know what to do! Come on, baby, come here…It ain’t so bad, A-Rod just done busted up your lip a little bit. Come on baby, A-Rod’s sorry. A-Rod reserves the right to call you Gannon for no reason. A-Rod not responsible for the Turbulent Waves of Madness. Winner must respect A-Rod’s role as Vorthan, the protector of the Wiccan faith. Winner agrees to revel in the macabre duality of this dark, chaotic essence of night that sits before our eyes. A-Rod reserves the right to spin you under a crystal moon and taste the vitality within. Winner reserves the right to hang out with A-Rod as Vorthan outside 7-11 and Big Lots stores only. A-Rod resents Queen. A-Rod wants to rock out proper. Winner reserves the right to look back on A-Rod’s Road Trip fondly. Winner restricted from referring to A-Rod’s Road Trip as “the most wonderful summer of my life…oh!” A-Rod reserves the right to harass, torment, kill, maim, destroy, annihilate, pound, demolish, obliterate and/or mummify Winner. Winner reserves the---
And it went on like this! By that time, I’d crapped myself.
Thanks for nothin’, A-Rod.
I was in my best friend’s bathroom the other day, snooping, when I spied his deodorant stick sitting on the sink. On the cap of the stick was a sticker, showing a baseball player in mid-swing. It read, “WIN A-ROD’S ROAD TRIP!” There was a lot of fine print below the picture, and the lighting was kind of bad in there, so I had to squint really hard. Here’s what I found:
No Purchase Necessary. Void where prohibited. Prohibited in NY, CA, MA, IL, WA, FL, MN, NC, SC, DC, TX, VA, MD, GA, PA, OR, MO, WI. Ages 16-19 only. Females only. Russians absolutely not welcome. A-Rod may not be available to travel on trip. Restrictions apply. A-Rod is restricted from talking to winner or acknowledging winner. Winner is restricted from asking about A-Rod or mentioning A-Rod. A-Rod reserves the right to travel separately from Winner. Winner must not attempt to invite A-Rod over to other means of transportation. A-Rod is comfortable with his own choices. How much does A-Rod make, and how much do you make? You brain-dead hick. A-Rod disavows any knowledge of trip itinerary and/or duration. A-Rod is his own man. He might pop down to Nobu for some Loaded Potato Skins, or he might jet to Paris for a can of Pringles, ya’ll don’t know. Ya’ll don’t know how A-Rod be doin’ this shit, cuz ya’ll is stupid. A-Rod = HERO. You = MAGGOTS. A-Rod don’t mess with worms, baby… A-Rod’s the pimp, the flyest player on the strip. Best believe, baby. A-Rod requests Winner present him with a fresh fan’s arm each day for the purposes of “ritual bloodletting.” A-Rod reserves the right to use the arms for any purpose in addition to the bloodletting. Winner must not approach A-Rod at any time. A-Rod believes this is an easy way to “get the fuck smacked outcha”. A-Rod didn’t want to hit ya, baby, he didn’t! Believe A-Rod! It’s just…it’s just you make A-Rod so mad, baby! A-Rod didn’t know what to do! Come on, baby, come here…It ain’t so bad, A-Rod just done busted up your lip a little bit. Come on baby, A-Rod’s sorry. A-Rod reserves the right to call you Gannon for no reason. A-Rod not responsible for the Turbulent Waves of Madness. Winner must respect A-Rod’s role as Vorthan, the protector of the Wiccan faith. Winner agrees to revel in the macabre duality of this dark, chaotic essence of night that sits before our eyes. A-Rod reserves the right to spin you under a crystal moon and taste the vitality within. Winner reserves the right to hang out with A-Rod as Vorthan outside 7-11 and Big Lots stores only. A-Rod resents Queen. A-Rod wants to rock out proper. Winner reserves the right to look back on A-Rod’s Road Trip fondly. Winner restricted from referring to A-Rod’s Road Trip as “the most wonderful summer of my life…oh!” A-Rod reserves the right to harass, torment, kill, maim, destroy, annihilate, pound, demolish, obliterate and/or mummify Winner. Winner reserves the---
And it went on like this! By that time, I’d crapped myself.
Thanks for nothin’, A-Rod.
