this/is/depression.

SHAME

Cat in Germany Has Bird Flu (Yahoo! News)




Well, good job you little bastard. You just had to go eat the damn bird didn't you??? YOU HAVE BIRD FLU NOW... STOP IT... STOP IT...

Was it worth it?? Was he tasty? You don't like the Meow Mix??? WE BOUGHT YOU THE MEOW MIX LIKE YOU ASKED FOR... And you don't even eat it! YOU DON'T EVEN EAT IT. YOU EAT THE BIRDS AND NOW YOU HAVE THE BIRD FLU

GOD DAMN YOU

I just got my bonus from work, I was gonna buy a new TV. NOW YOU HAVE THE GOD DAMN BIRD FLU... You know how much the vet is gonna charge me for this???

STOP WHEEZING

I needed that TV for my Oscars party. HOW ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE GOING TO ENJOY THE OSCARS WATCHING IT ON A GOD DAMN 13 INCH SANYO??? WITH A BIRD FLU CAT WHEEZING OFF IN THE CORNER??? YOU'RE RUINING MY SOCIAL LIFE

Oh my bad, I thought you were my cat, but you live in Germany. Sorry...

JOIN BODE?

So I'm sitting at work conversing on AOL Instant Messenger. I notice that there's a little advert in the lower left corner of the IM window that says "IM JoinBode". OK, I figure, this must be some automated chat bot set up to talk like Bode Miller in conjunction with his Nike endorsement and the Winter Olympics. So I decide to take the plunge, and I'll be damned, but:

Talking with the Bode Miller bot seems eerily similar to what I imagine a real-life conversation with Bode Miller would be like...

two step flow: hey bode why'd you fuck up so badly in the olympics m8

joinbode: Wassup Twostepflow! I'm JoinBode, brought 2 u by Nike. 2 read my privacy policy, click here.

Ready 2 Join Bode? Type home right now!

two step flow: whut
joinbode: Yeah?
two step flow: yeah why'd you not get the gold like you said you would you tosser
joinbode: I think u can do better than that.
two step flow: probably, i don't ski drunk
joinbode: Probably u don't ski drunk?
two step flow: bode are you drunk right now
joinbode: Um... No...
two step flow: me neither
joinbode: Oh so it's all about u, huh?
two step flow: yeah
joinbode: u don't say.
two step flow: bode do you want to drink with me
joinbode: Is that so?
two step flow: what
joinbode: What?
two step flow: bode you're hurting me
joinbode: No way. I love u.
two step flow: um
joinbode: Uh... what?
two step flow: bode, i've had a lot on my chest recently... i really like joanne, but i feel so constricted these days, man, i just don't know what to do. she keeps talking about possibly moving out to the country, settle down and she can focus on her pottery thing. it's not that the thought hasn't crossed my mind, bode, but i've got a lot going for me right now, you know what i mean? i don't know if i want to quit my job, and i kind of like living in the city while i'm young, you know? sometimes i feel so much rage towards her, it scares me. i find myself sitting up at nights at my desk and googling "hitman nyc cheap"
joinbode:
two step flow: yeah i know its a lot to swallow but i'm really stuck in a corner here bode, i need your advice
joinbode:
two step flow: SAY SOMETHING BODE
joinbode: No.
two step flow: SAY ANYTHING
joinbode: Uh... No.
two step flow: PLEASE
joinbode: Please what?
two step flow: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE BROTHERS
joinbode: Dunno...
two step flow: GAAAAAAAHHHHHHH
joinbode: "gaaaaaaahhhhhhh"? Great. That's great.
two step flow: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU
joinbode: u and whose army?
two step flow: i can't believe this
joinbode: u can't believe this?
two step flow: hey bode...
joinbode: Wassup, Twostepflow. What may I do for u now?
two step flow: what u thinkin' bout
joinbode: I dunno.
two step flow: you're a real deep dude, bode
joinbode: Well, what does it mean 2 be a real deep dude Bode?
two step flow: i'm not bode why are you calling me that
joinbode: Why am I calling u that? Ha. Who knows?
two step flow: what the fuck man
joinbode: I dunno.
two step flow: you keep saying that
joinbode: Keep saying that? u think I keep saying that?
two step flow: i think your IM personality might actually be worse than your real life one
joinbode: I'm not sure if I am instant messaging personality might actually be worse than my real life 1.
two step flow: yeah anyways
joinbode: Yes... Moving on... Ready 2 Join Bode? Click here.
two step flow: no
joinbode: Fine.
two step flow: why would i join you
joinbode: I have totally no idea.

Anyway...

There's always someone better than u. And if there isn't at one moment, there will be the next. But there is no one who's the same as u, no one who brings exactly what u bring. Make "becoming better" the goal instead of "being better." Make "fun" the goal and u will keep going. Make "being the best" the goal and u will never have any fun except by accident.
two step flow: that was really out of left field
joinbode: Out of left field? Really?
two step flow: yeah really
joinbode: I hear u. What else do u want 2 talk about, anyway?
two step flow: um ok well the whole joanne thing, it's really got me down, you know
joinbode: Eh. Whatever, Twostepflow.

So anyway...

u know what? Seeking is not finding. And greatness for one person has nothing 2 do with greatness for another. Seeking is the destination. Seeking is what u r looking for. What would finding greatness feel like, anyway? What would be left 2 do?
two step flow: um, well that's nice of you to say but don't you think all these empty aphorisms are sort of useless in my case?
joinbode:
two step flow: yeah see, you keep doing that and it makes me upset
joinbode: Goodbye Twostepflow, I'll be seeing u later.
two step flow: what? where are you going
joinbode: I live in Easton, NH.
two step flow: why do you have to leave
joinbode: OK. Later, Twostepflow.
two step flow: no don't leave me
joinbode: No?
two step flow: no i'll be good i promise
joinbode: u will be good u promise? For real?
two step flow: yes yes i promise
joinbode: I believe u.
two step flow: thank you bode now stay with me here
joinbode: Hey, no problem.
two step flow: haha i was just jerkin your chain, you suck bode
joinbode: That's a fairly mild insult, am I right?
two step flow: yes
joinbode: I c.
two step flow: stop talking like that
joinbode: Stop talking like that? Why?
two step flow: you smoked a lot of pot as a kid bode, didn't you
joinbode: Yes, I guess... It's hard 2 say.
two step flow: are you high right now
joinbode: I am not high, Twostepflow.
two step flow: swear?
joinbode: I have no idea. So that was fascinating. Let's talk about something else.
two step flow: alright...
joinbode: Awright.
two step flow: don't use that voice
joinbode: Don't use that voice?
two step flow: yeah, the one where you're like "cuddwy wuddwy kittens in the park"
joinbode:
two step flow: STOP BEING SILENT
joinbode: Why should I stop being silent, Twostepflow?
two step flow: what the hell kind of question is that
joinbode: What the hell kinda question is that? That's interesting.

Anyway, moving right along...

Ready 2 Join Bode? Click here.
two step flow: no
joinbode: No problem. That's all very interesting. Anyway...

Climb your weight in stairs. Don't feel bad if u can't do this so long as u know that some day u will.
two step flow: what does that mean?
joinbode: What does what mean?
two step flow: that
joinbode: That?
two step flow: yes
joinbode: Yep.

Anyway...

u know what? The next time someone tells u that there's a right way and a wrong way 2 do everything, comfort yourself by knowing that they're wrong.
two step flow: well that's not really true, is it? i mean there's a right way and a wrong way to feed a dog. i mean if you take the food dish and slam it into the dog's broad side, then that's the wrong way to feed a dog, right?
joinbode: I can't be too sure.

Ready 2 Join Bode? Click here.
two step flow: no i don't want to join you
joinbode: Don't u want 2 join me? I was under the impression u did.
two step flow: no i just need someone to talk to
joinbode: No, huh?
two step flow: right
joinbode: Right. Well. Anyway...

Check this out: When u fail at something (if u say "But I haven't," then u need 2 look harder), don't pretend like it didn't happen.
two step flow: who says i did
joinbode: Sorry, I dunno.
two step flow: you don't know a lot of things, bode
joinbode: I dunno a lot of things Bode? Me? u don't think?
two step flow: what??


Miller, who apparently is sponsored by a pasta company.

M25

Have you ever looked at Found Magazine? These sort of things always amaze/depress me. On the one hand, I love catching a glimpse into a stranger’s life, but on the other hand I’m constantly reminded of how boring my own life is. I mean, let’s see what’s in my wallet or jacket that I might accidentally drop for a random pedestrian to find:

-ATM receipt (balance $4.40)*

-Metrocard

-Chinese restaurant receipt

-Friend’s business card

That’s it. Wow. Nothing exciting. No notes scrawled out with “I am going to destroy you” or “hey, left you some pills in the Daffy Duck mug, don’t forget to say hi to Lincoln.” My life is incredibly plain and uneventful.

One of the things I dislike about metropolitan life is The Crowds. By this I don’t refer to just general masses of people—commuters, office workers and the like but rather the throngs relative to the nightlife. It’s always bugged me to be out on a Friday evening and see all the cafes and bars crowded with laughing, smiling groups of vivacious-looking patrons. I’m always on my way to sit and watch TV with my friends in a high-rise when I see these people, and I always get madly jealous. Of course when I do end up going out to bars and restaurants and the like, I’m always bored or uncomfortable because the wooden thing is poking me in the back. You know what I mean.

Of course one of the great lessons in life is just how overactive one’s imagination can be. I’ve learned that other people’s lives are rarely as interesting as they seem. Guys, haven’t you ever had a classroom crush or something of the sort? That girl who looks so pensive and mysterious and you just wonder all through lecture what she’s thinking about and what she does in her spare time? Then you end up talking to her and all she seems to care about are American Idol and VH1 reality programs. What a downer! Early in high school I was very envious of a certain group of people and felt that they’d never grace me with their presence and allow me into their social circle. I always wondered what fun and exciting things they did on the weekends. By sophomore year I’d become friends with them and found out: a whole lot of nothing, mostly driving around and chain-smoking cigarettes. I think I liked my imagined view of what they did more than the actual times I spent with them.

And so I realize now that the real fun in life is the possibility rather than the actuality. It’s with this in mind that I’ve decided to stalk someone. The weather’s getting warmer, the days gradually longer, and it’s the season for a young urban man to get his stalk on. I was thinking about stalking some rastas, but my friend told me I should concentrate on just one person, and it should probably be someone less threatening.

Really, it’ll be loads of fun, because while I stalk the person, I can think of all the great possibilities! I could imagine what the stalked person (stalkee?) eats for breakfast, what their kitchen looks like, what kind of cereal they buy (I’ll stalk them to the grocery store to confirm this), et cetera. I mean, it’s sounding fun already! I’m getting excited. Once spring arrives, and the flowers are in bloom, and I’m out there with my umbrella and Stalker’s Hat, things will be so wonderful.

Now, who to stalk? Well, I’ve thought long and hard about it (2.93s) and come up with the obvious answer:

Joe Namath

See, I like Namath’s style. Remember when he was drunk on national television and asking Suzy Kolber if he could kiss her? That’s the way to do things, man, you gotta just take charge and put the cards out on the table. Also he’s a football legend and all, you know? That gives the stalker great cache. I mean, let’s say I’m at a bar, stalking Namath and enjoying a pint. An attractive lass comes up to me and asks what I do for a living. I can say (honestly for once) “I’m stalking Joe Namath.” Boy, will she be impressed! This could get me in very well with the ladies. Unless Namath decides to barge in and keep ‘em all for himself. Fucking Namath. I’m so sick of his shit. Acting like he’s the Don Juan of this office… Well, I’ll show him. Thinks he can just show up late everyday with that chiseled face and blow-dried hair. Keeps hogging the copier… I’ll show him. Show him good. Teach him a lesson about pass interference.**


*One thing I really hate about living in NYC is finding other people’s discarded ATM receipts. I was at the deli one night when I found an old receipt laying on the cash machine. It showed a remaining balance of $88,572.35.

**I am going insane. This job is driving me insane.

SCIENCE IS AMAZING

WHAT KIND OF DRUGS DO YOU NEED?

uppers?
downers?

i got 'em all...

poppers?
clippers?
speakers?

what kind of mood are ya in?

dozers?
wackers?
peekers?
tweeters?

oh so it's like that, huh?

leapers?
slappers?
scooters?

or how about some good old fashioned crankers?