Friday, April 27, 2007
ONE YEAR OLD TODAY
Here's to another year. I would have thrown something better together but I didn't realize it was the anniversary of the blog until a few minutes ago, and it's five minutes to quitting time. So, uh. Eat your cake. Eat it.
Here's to another year. I would have thrown something better together but I didn't realize it was the anniversary of the blog until a few minutes ago, and it's five minutes to quitting time. So, uh. Eat your cake. Eat it.
Friday, April 20, 2007
THIS ISN'T IT
It's the first real day of Spring. I had a dream last night that I had left work early, drained my bank account and hopped on a flight to London. I got there, weary, weak in the knees, and realized I had no hotel or any money to do anything. But I was relaxed and elated to be in the genteel, unfamiliar confines of Great Britain. It was sunset and I took the tube into town. The electronic voice spoke like the charming, educated woman from Kent I'd never meet. "Change here for Circle, District and Northern lines." I downed some cough syrup because, you know, that's what you do when YOU'RE A REAL HOUSTON O.G. LIKE ME.
I walked down to Leicester Square and sat by the statue, around a bunch of other lazy impulse travelers, soaking up the fleeting orange light. A couple sat a few feet away, cuddling. The woman was going on about how they've only known each other for six months but they're in love. Normally I'd make a snide remark but I just sat back and watched them. An Indian shopkeeper stood in pajamas in the doorway to his chemists and sneered "amateurs." Is it apparent I've gone completely bat-shit insane yet?
I got a call from my father. I had to come home to go to Jonah's birthday party. Shit. No choice. Scraped together some change and walked towards the M4 to hitch a ride to the airport. Inside I said, "Fuck, wish I could stay another evening." But the sense of responsibility outweighed the regret. Then I woke up and said "Who the fuck is Jonah?"
When I was a kid I thought adult life was all Braun bathroom appliances and halogen track lighting and Sony clock radios and hardwood floors and having animated phone conversations and commenting about how delicious this flank steak is when it's grilled just right. Now I'm an adult and I realize it's more about unrequited feelings, long waits, insufferable boredom, tact, diplomacy, reconciliation and estrangement. It's a whole lot of wanting and not really needing, a whole lot of waiting and rushing when you get impatient.
I have these cats that have been fornicating behind my apartment building. At least, I think they are. You know cats, they could be killing each other, I'm not sure. Anyways, it's loud as hell and it wakes me up every night. The other night they were going at it and I was about to bang my head into the wall when I heard a loud dog bark and the sound of vicious mauling. Then the cat screams got even louder. Poor cats, I thought. I just wanted them to shut up. I didn't want this. So I leaned out the window and shouted "THIS WASN'T PART OF THE DEAL." Would you believe that the very next night they were back to wailing again? It's okay, it's the sound of the springtime. Them cats.
Maybe I should leave early and rent a car and drive to California. I could go to Los Angeles and harass Joey and Laura and pee into the Pacific ocean. They sell liquor in grocery stores there, you know. They have a neighborhood named Los Feliz, which is Spanish for The Happy, if you didn't know.
It's the first real day of Spring. I had a dream last night that I had left work early, drained my bank account and hopped on a flight to London. I got there, weary, weak in the knees, and realized I had no hotel or any money to do anything. But I was relaxed and elated to be in the genteel, unfamiliar confines of Great Britain. It was sunset and I took the tube into town. The electronic voice spoke like the charming, educated woman from Kent I'd never meet. "Change here for Circle, District and Northern lines." I downed some cough syrup because, you know, that's what you do when YOU'RE A REAL HOUSTON O.G. LIKE ME.I walked down to Leicester Square and sat by the statue, around a bunch of other lazy impulse travelers, soaking up the fleeting orange light. A couple sat a few feet away, cuddling. The woman was going on about how they've only known each other for six months but they're in love. Normally I'd make a snide remark but I just sat back and watched them. An Indian shopkeeper stood in pajamas in the doorway to his chemists and sneered "amateurs." Is it apparent I've gone completely bat-shit insane yet?
I got a call from my father. I had to come home to go to Jonah's birthday party. Shit. No choice. Scraped together some change and walked towards the M4 to hitch a ride to the airport. Inside I said, "Fuck, wish I could stay another evening." But the sense of responsibility outweighed the regret. Then I woke up and said "Who the fuck is Jonah?"
When I was a kid I thought adult life was all Braun bathroom appliances and halogen track lighting and Sony clock radios and hardwood floors and having animated phone conversations and commenting about how delicious this flank steak is when it's grilled just right. Now I'm an adult and I realize it's more about unrequited feelings, long waits, insufferable boredom, tact, diplomacy, reconciliation and estrangement. It's a whole lot of wanting and not really needing, a whole lot of waiting and rushing when you get impatient.
I have these cats that have been fornicating behind my apartment building. At least, I think they are. You know cats, they could be killing each other, I'm not sure. Anyways, it's loud as hell and it wakes me up every night. The other night they were going at it and I was about to bang my head into the wall when I heard a loud dog bark and the sound of vicious mauling. Then the cat screams got even louder. Poor cats, I thought. I just wanted them to shut up. I didn't want this. So I leaned out the window and shouted "THIS WASN'T PART OF THE DEAL." Would you believe that the very next night they were back to wailing again? It's okay, it's the sound of the springtime. Them cats.
Maybe I should leave early and rent a car and drive to California. I could go to Los Angeles and harass Joey and Laura and pee into the Pacific ocean. They sell liquor in grocery stores there, you know. They have a neighborhood named Los Feliz, which is Spanish for The Happy, if you didn't know.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
THIS IS THE MOST BORING NIGHT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE
I'm so bored I've listened to this same Papoose song on repeat for the last six hours and thirty one minutes. Here it comes again... THUGGA THUGGA THUGGA THUGGA
I ate an entire bag of Ore-Ida frozen crinkle-cut fries. It's like eating a bag of dead childrens' penises, really. I'm not just saying that trying to be funny. If you find yourself alone, bored, depressed, terminally unhappy and wondering why you're living in this godforesaken city one night, try eating a bag of frozen crinkle-cut fries. I think you'll find that I'm not actually too far gone in comparing the texture, feel and taste to what one might imagine a dead child's penis seeming like. I'm in trouble for writing all this, aren't I?
I'm so bored I went on "Casual Encounters" on the Los Angeles Craig's List and found the sluttiest girl I could. I e-mailed her with the subject line "I HAVE THE FOOTBALL BUT MARCOS HAS TAKEN THE PLAYBOOK." She responded an hour later with "lol wtf?? ;)". So I responded with "FUUUUUUUCK THE TIME MACHINE WORKED." I haven't heard back from her yet. I'm still single, ladies.
This all started after I knocked over that stupid monkey skull back in India and it shattered and that entire village got mad at me. Fuck.
Everybody lives in NYC now. I moved here to get away from most of you. Where the hell am I supposed to go now? I bet no one wants to live in Phoenix. Wow, that wasn't funny, just mean spirited to both my friends and Phoenix. FUUUUUUCK.
Fantasy Vaseball Shop Talk: Soriano 93LD - 2IN - 2039 SPA - 3.099 EPAI - Condition: RPPO
This gives you a pretty good idea of how lost I am when it comes to understanding fantasy Vaseball.
I had a dream last night that I was reading MAYES' profile on some internet site and all he had written was "FINALLY MARRIED THE CAT". I don't know if this dream is incredibly surreal or incredibly realistic.
Ever stare at a window across the street for like an hour trying to discern if that's a lamp or a cat on the sill? It's so hard to tell with the backlight and the shadow, isn't it? Gosh, I'm really stumped. Yeah, me neither.
It seems like it's warmer and nicer everywhere but here. I am so bored. I'm so restless. Stupid cold. Don't you hate it when Spring is just around the corner and suddenly you get one of those colds where it's just sneezing, sore throat, scalding hot bloody urine, body ache for like three whole days? I can't wait for summer.
I'm so bored I've listened to this same Papoose song on repeat for the last six hours and thirty one minutes. Here it comes again... THUGGA THUGGA THUGGA THUGGAI ate an entire bag of Ore-Ida frozen crinkle-cut fries. It's like eating a bag of dead childrens' penises, really. I'm not just saying that trying to be funny. If you find yourself alone, bored, depressed, terminally unhappy and wondering why you're living in this godforesaken city one night, try eating a bag of frozen crinkle-cut fries. I think you'll find that I'm not actually too far gone in comparing the texture, feel and taste to what one might imagine a dead child's penis seeming like. I'm in trouble for writing all this, aren't I?
I'm so bored I went on "Casual Encounters" on the Los Angeles Craig's List and found the sluttiest girl I could. I e-mailed her with the subject line "I HAVE THE FOOTBALL BUT MARCOS HAS TAKEN THE PLAYBOOK." She responded an hour later with "lol wtf?? ;)". So I responded with "FUUUUUUUCK THE TIME MACHINE WORKED." I haven't heard back from her yet. I'm still single, ladies.
This all started after I knocked over that stupid monkey skull back in India and it shattered and that entire village got mad at me. Fuck.
Everybody lives in NYC now. I moved here to get away from most of you. Where the hell am I supposed to go now? I bet no one wants to live in Phoenix. Wow, that wasn't funny, just mean spirited to both my friends and Phoenix. FUUUUUUCK.
Fantasy Vaseball Shop Talk: Soriano 93LD - 2IN - 2039 SPA - 3.099 EPAI - Condition: RPPO
This gives you a pretty good idea of how lost I am when it comes to understanding fantasy Vaseball.
I had a dream last night that I was reading MAYES' profile on some internet site and all he had written was "FINALLY MARRIED THE CAT". I don't know if this dream is incredibly surreal or incredibly realistic.
Ever stare at a window across the street for like an hour trying to discern if that's a lamp or a cat on the sill? It's so hard to tell with the backlight and the shadow, isn't it? Gosh, I'm really stumped. Yeah, me neither.
It seems like it's warmer and nicer everywhere but here. I am so bored. I'm so restless. Stupid cold. Don't you hate it when Spring is just around the corner and suddenly you get one of those colds where it's just sneezing, sore throat, scalding hot bloody urine, body ache for like three whole days? I can't wait for summer.
