Friday, November 30, 2007
NIGHT MIGRATION
I'm learning things these days. That's what it seems like, at least. The first eight months of the year I learned nothing, the last four I'm packing it all in. Will the start of 2008 be as uninformative as 2007's?
For example, last week I learned that when trying to restrain an angry cat, it's best to gently grab them by the scruff of the neck. This seems to trigger an automatic association with their mothers (as this is how they were carried when kittens) and they are effectively immobilized. Once this has been achieved, you can inject the cat with all sorts of serums and medicines and syrups and gravies and it will just lie there silently, apparently cursing life inside its little cat brain. You can even flip it over to administer nose drops, however upon righting the cat it will snort and hiss at you. I spent a couple of hours at the vet's office last week, don't worry. It's not like I found all of this out in my basement or anything.
I'm learning that despite my consistent promises of fucking a pizza one day, it's been about six years since I first set this goal and I have yet to see it through. Maybe it's that I only order pizza when I really want it, and I'd be reluctant to waste it just for a good fuck. Maybe it's because despite telling myself I'm not afraid, I secretly do fear substantial chafing from the crust. Jesus, that's it, isn't it? I'm fooling no one.
The south has been going through a rather significant dry spell, with Georgia even declaring a drought emergency. In North Carolina, this has resulted in abnormally low lake levels and fucking amazing autumn foliage. The leaves are all still on the trees and run a spectrum from banana-like yellow to shockingly glowing red to deep, chlorophyll-rich green. On some trees the color change is affected by which parts get the most sun, and so you'll drive down Westgate and there will be a grove of multi-colored, swirled trees with leaves in varying states of decay. It's beautiful and reminds me of the older neighborhoods, declining as the new condos and cul de sacs spread further out between the arterial roads. Everything is in a constant state of change, time moves on with regard to nothing. Even the new leaves of spring will eventually by fall shrivel and crunch underfoot. The new couple moving into the apartment building will one day be elderly in the same way, feeling the western winds' chill week by week as December nears. I've also learned that the fucking lawn mower was under that huge pile of leaves and I could have nearly broken my back jumping into it. It hurt so much.
I learned that if you spray a cockroach with Tilex it will die an agonizing death that lasts between 30 and 45 seconds. So much for my plans to dip my cigarettes in Tilex.
Maybe I want to stop learning. Maybe I want to be stupid. Maybe I want to boo amazing films and drown my food in salt before I've even tasted it. Maybe I want to cheer for UNC and pass simply through life without asking the questions that enhance my existence. Maybe I want to simply pay for my fries at Wendy's without engaging the cashier in a series of in-depth and diligently researched questions about the preparation of said potatoes. Maybe I want to punt a dog, not a small dog--which would be feasible--but a large dog. Maybe I want to punt a bulldog, just because I know it wouldn't work.
Maybe I want to take it back to '88 when I rode my bike into a brick wall just to see what would happen. I can still feel the handlebars pressing into my balls at an incredible speed. Maybe I want to slap the pizza slice out of a beautiful woman's hand in front of some National Guardsmen. Maybe I want to forget everything I've learned.
Who wants to get stupid in '08? Who's coming with me?
I'm learning things these days. That's what it seems like, at least. The first eight months of the year I learned nothing, the last four I'm packing it all in. Will the start of 2008 be as uninformative as 2007's?For example, last week I learned that when trying to restrain an angry cat, it's best to gently grab them by the scruff of the neck. This seems to trigger an automatic association with their mothers (as this is how they were carried when kittens) and they are effectively immobilized. Once this has been achieved, you can inject the cat with all sorts of serums and medicines and syrups and gravies and it will just lie there silently, apparently cursing life inside its little cat brain. You can even flip it over to administer nose drops, however upon righting the cat it will snort and hiss at you. I spent a couple of hours at the vet's office last week, don't worry. It's not like I found all of this out in my basement or anything.
I'm learning that despite my consistent promises of fucking a pizza one day, it's been about six years since I first set this goal and I have yet to see it through. Maybe it's that I only order pizza when I really want it, and I'd be reluctant to waste it just for a good fuck. Maybe it's because despite telling myself I'm not afraid, I secretly do fear substantial chafing from the crust. Jesus, that's it, isn't it? I'm fooling no one.
The south has been going through a rather significant dry spell, with Georgia even declaring a drought emergency. In North Carolina, this has resulted in abnormally low lake levels and fucking amazing autumn foliage. The leaves are all still on the trees and run a spectrum from banana-like yellow to shockingly glowing red to deep, chlorophyll-rich green. On some trees the color change is affected by which parts get the most sun, and so you'll drive down Westgate and there will be a grove of multi-colored, swirled trees with leaves in varying states of decay. It's beautiful and reminds me of the older neighborhoods, declining as the new condos and cul de sacs spread further out between the arterial roads. Everything is in a constant state of change, time moves on with regard to nothing. Even the new leaves of spring will eventually by fall shrivel and crunch underfoot. The new couple moving into the apartment building will one day be elderly in the same way, feeling the western winds' chill week by week as December nears. I've also learned that the fucking lawn mower was under that huge pile of leaves and I could have nearly broken my back jumping into it. It hurt so much.
I learned that if you spray a cockroach with Tilex it will die an agonizing death that lasts between 30 and 45 seconds. So much for my plans to dip my cigarettes in Tilex.
Maybe I want to stop learning. Maybe I want to be stupid. Maybe I want to boo amazing films and drown my food in salt before I've even tasted it. Maybe I want to cheer for UNC and pass simply through life without asking the questions that enhance my existence. Maybe I want to simply pay for my fries at Wendy's without engaging the cashier in a series of in-depth and diligently researched questions about the preparation of said potatoes. Maybe I want to punt a dog, not a small dog--which would be feasible--but a large dog. Maybe I want to punt a bulldog, just because I know it wouldn't work.
Maybe I want to take it back to '88 when I rode my bike into a brick wall just to see what would happen. I can still feel the handlebars pressing into my balls at an incredible speed. Maybe I want to slap the pizza slice out of a beautiful woman's hand in front of some National Guardsmen. Maybe I want to forget everything I've learned.
Who wants to get stupid in '08? Who's coming with me?
