DINNER TIME
Ice T is a real pain in the ass. Picks food off your plate with his bare hands without asking. Talks about asses through the whole conversation, even though your date is quite visibly uncomfortable. At one point he leans back in his chair, toothpick dangling, raises his sunglasses and says "So what do YOU wanna do about it, homeboy?" Everyone else in the place seems to be having fun.
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Ice Cube shows up around sunset in a Raiders jersey, which dismays you a bit but it's an informal dinner at your house so whatever. You give him the grand tour and in the kitchen he meets your wife who is tending to a steaming pot of boiling pasta. Suddenly he pulls you aside to the laundry room. Grinning, he quietly suggests you just order a couple of pizzas. There is a tense silence as he stares at you, still smiling.
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Richard Kind is two hours late, muttering something about bridge traffic, which is odd because we live in Reseda. He has a couple of bottles of wine with the labels peeled off. He may or may not have tracked dog shit into the foyer. As you sit and watch him gobble deli meats from a plastic plate (he brought his own) you casually mention that you heard he is good friends with George Clooney. Cue two hours of hurt expressions and a lot of hand to the forehead, exclaiming "I am a man with a fragile soul." The other guests left hours ago.
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Nelly invites you to his house in suburban Webster Groves for brunch. You figure why not, he will be entertaining at least. Visibly nervous Nelly greets you in the driveway in a Lakers jersey and tuxedo pants. His house is huge but has practically no furniture. When you comment on the smoky condition of the kitchen you notice the dozen or so empty boxes of Eggo waffles tossed outside onto the back porch. An hour later, sitting on the floor, Nelly hands you a silver platter of scorched waffles. His arm is trembling.
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Jeff Gordon drives up the front entrance of the wine bar in a 1995 Honda Accord, which is really disconcerting. He seems aloof. The whole time he checks his Blackberry and follows the bartender with his eyes. You try to compliment his new haircut but he cuts you off mid-sentence and goes to the restroom. Another disappointment, you think to yourself, remembering that bottle of painkillers you have left over from back surgery in the rear of your medicine cabinet.
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Raekwon calls you at the office one Friday afternoon and says "meet me downstairs in fifteen minutes." Within hours you're on a private jet to Naples, drinking champagne and discussing whether Pizzeria Mozza really can hold a candle to Chris Bianco's operation. 24 hours later you recline in the grass on a hillside near Battipaglia, enjoying the sunset and a bottle of Malvasia Bianca. You lean on one elbow and say "Rae, this has been the best weekend of my life." Rae looks at you with a piercing stare and replies, "nigga, I know that."
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Chris Kattan screams "food fight!" and is promptly shot by your security detail.
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# posted by TID Staff : 10:52 AM
