tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-54952922012-01-24T10:18:30.759-05:00This Is DepressionCopyright 2011 <a href="mailto:thisisdepression@hotmail.com"> thisisdepression@hotmail.com</a> Defunct. GO AWAY GO AWAY!TID Staffnoreply@blogger.comBlogger1311100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-42218998225168238142010-08-10T17:40:00.003-04:002010-08-10T18:00:33.750-04:00ON WAR A very curious thing happened on my way to the Rite Aid, Guess Road, Durham, North Carolina, the other evening. At the exact position you see on this blog post, NPR reported that two American troops had been killed in Afghanistan during routine patrols in one of the country's rural provinces. I suppose we are conditioned to this sort of news; I focused on navigating through rush-hour TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-77214689046296761812009-05-28T14:12:00.003-04:002009-05-28T14:20:20.065-04:00LUNCHES, BRUNCHES, INTERVIEWS BY THE POOL; CONSIDERED THE FOOL BECAUSE I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOLJeff: SNOPYme: gime snopy Jeff: Snopy performs minor surgery on himself before walking out to meet his date. he is dressed in leftover chicken-skin. It was different in Prague and he liked it.me: Snopy sits in his darkened bedroom fingering the Fender Strat delicately. He'll write the song that opens TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-36572816134224447442008-12-12T14:37:00.002-05:002008-12-12T14:40:54.171-05:00I'VE BEEN BUSY[14:26] paul at sonic: do you like pepsi[14:26] Bigteef100: no. not really[14:26] paul at sonic: it's the taste of the carolinas[14:27] paul at sonic: joey do you like pepsi[14:27] whatsupjoey: yeah i prefer it to coke[14:27] paul at sonic: it's the taste of the carolinas[14:33] paul at sonic: hey stan do you like pepsi[14:34] staaaaaaan: WELL HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES[14:34] TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-52934511381574175392008-07-23T22:08:00.002-04:002008-07-23T22:27:11.919-04:00PIER ONE LIVEBLOGGotta get some wicker baskets.This song sucks. OH MANDY YOU CAME AND YOU WROTE ME AN E-BOOK. I am fucking drunk!What's with all these stories about tarantulas jumping out of bunches of bananas at the grocery store? You're probably saying "that's an urban legend". Well if that's the case, how come when I Google it ten times a day I inevitably find an article about it? Arachna-whatTID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-11091403856222382752008-06-30T10:52:00.012-04:002008-06-30T12:20:53.692-04:00DINNER TIMEIce T is a real pain in the ass. Picks food off your plate with his bare hands without asking. Talks about asses through the whole conversation, even though your date is quite visibly uncomfortable. At one point he leans back in his chair, toothpick dangling, raises his sunglasses and says "So what do YOU wanna do about it, homeboy?" Everyone else in the place seems to be having TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-46253163952918399532008-06-19T17:55:00.002-04:002008-06-19T18:04:29.994-04:00GO SHORTY, IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAYFive years ago tonight I came back from a run in Duke Forest and sat down at my computer. After about 30 minutes of surfing porn on dial-up I decided I really wanted to write more and post it to the web for anyone to find it. This Is Depression was born.In June of 2003 I was fresh out of college with a degree in Screenwriting and no job prospects whatsoever. I had TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-13412914806726216782008-05-19T15:19:00.004-04:002008-05-19T16:10:00.476-04:00ANNOUNCEMENTSo a couple of weeks ago we were all sitting around drinking in our living room. We ended up playing this infernal drinking game called Clink-It that Sharkey always insists on. It gets you really drunk, really fast.I ended up registering a domain name that I regret getting now. I had to do something with it so I decided to create This Is Depression Express. You should visit there TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-55057871592937245342008-05-05T12:54:00.005-04:002008-05-05T13:21:56.362-04:00I CAN TWITTER WITH THE BEST OF THEMi was overcharged .20 for my pinkberry yogurt every1 boycott pinkberry there taking over manhatten! about 3 hours ago from webcarol come back 08:59 PM May 03, 2008 from mobiledogs dog owners are real assholes 07:31 PM May 03, 2008 from mobileoh fuck we just totally hit that dog 07:29 PM May 03, 2008 from mobileBRAKES BRAKES 07:28 PM May 03, 2008 from mobileis TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-77406956883272371762008-04-10T15:12:00.004-04:002008-04-10T15:16:06.712-04:00TALKING MORE SHIT ABOUT SFA Tibet supporter (right) and a pro-China supporter clash during Olympic protests in San Francisco MondayYeah that photo pretty much sums it up. I'll stop now.TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-91649714841281130082008-04-10T00:44:00.004-04:002008-04-10T01:02:42.757-04:00PEOPLE WHO POST ON YELP ARE IDIOTS PT. 20394Unfortunately I registered yelllllllllpppppppppppp.com recently, and I've gotten a lot of drunken misguided submissions from hipsters. Enjoy:McDonald's At Haight And Stanyan: "OMG this palce used to be so awesomesauce. me And the boyf went here on sunday for brunch and the bridge and tunnel scene was TOTES bogus.... OMG there were like 4 people in line TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-58044100171229617112008-04-03T07:21:00.004-04:002008-04-03T08:00:09.585-04:00FUCK I HATE SITTING IN AIRPORTSI was backing up some stuff on my laptop and found my old IM logs. Memories...kareemABDULjabber: yo wasuppaul at sonic: u spelled ur name wrong u fukfacekareemABDULjabber: ya i kno it's a joke u dikpaul at sonic: :( kareemABDULjabber: i was great in 'airplane'paul at sonic: :)paul at sonic: so i'm just saying you can tell me is allpaul at sonic: cuz it's no big TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-63053040272201630562008-03-31T22:28:00.002-04:002008-03-31T22:35:15.370-04:00HOLLYWOODScreenplays I'm Working On:The Rapist (comedy)TitbossDavid Caruso's Marbled, Throbbing DickThe Talented Mr. Titboss (too soon?)Tarpsex 2021Champagne Kittycats (docu-drama)The Legacies Of Warbler Volume 2: A CGI-Infested Romp Through 2.5 Hours Of Shit From That Children's Book You Never Read But Now Everybody Loves[Verb]-Ing [Girl's First Name] (straight to dvd)That Guy From The Office TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-35098984736614985042008-03-26T10:17:00.001-04:002008-03-26T10:18:58.249-04:00THE SOUND WAS DOWNA shocking development in the Smart Dumb Cats case.TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-36995546462556286002008-03-22T12:44:00.004-04:002008-03-22T12:48:03.953-04:00OUR NATIONAL NIGHTMAREJust wake me up when it's all over.**FOOTNOTE: Young Jeezy's verse on this song is funny.****FOOTNOTE 2: So is Lil Wayne's.******FOOTBOTETID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-84333152764706134262008-03-02T20:51:00.004-05:002008-03-02T22:25:57.958-05:00SMART DUMB CATSScene: Whole Foods on Broad Street, Durham. Paul is in the frozen section looking for microwaveable Pad ThaiRandom Woman: Are you Paul Nair?Paul: YesRW: I am [name redacted], we went to high school together. Paul: Oh yeah! [Name redacted]! How the hell are you?! It's good to see you.RW: I am fine, I work at Duke now. Do you live in Durham?Paul: No I live up north now.RW: Oh, just TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-85285522648109682182008-01-18T16:02:00.001-05:002008-03-02T21:11:38.126-05:00COLD GRAY WISCONSINProbably not. In fact, I doubt he really understands what is going on, much less that this will be an emotional win for Brett because he's getting old and has gray around his muzzle much like--surprise--an aging dog. In fact, I don't think this dog even understands the concept of sports, and I'd put money on the fact that he hates wearing that jersey and fake piece of cheese. TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-43871151482464946252008-01-09T16:37:00.001-05:002008-01-09T16:39:11.627-05:00HAPPY NEW YEARDo you see a similarity? Comment, please.TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-2792582970732809662007-12-17T13:48:00.001-05:002007-12-17T13:58:23.180-05:00APOLOGIES TO MR. SCHULZI've been reading the biography of the creator of Peanuts, the brilliant but troubled Charles "Sparky" Schulz. Completely irrelevant to this, Jarf and I decided to brainstorm alternate titles for Garfield and Peanuts books, respectively. So here goes:Snoopy, Go HomeSnoopy Got HungSnoopy, Calm DownSnoopy, He GoneSnoopy, God DamnSnoopy, Go LongSnoopy, Stay DownSnoopy's Furry TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-37582380363797600422007-11-30T15:59:00.000-05:002007-11-30T16:26:33.352-05:00NIGHT MIGRATIONI'm learning things these days. That's what it seems like, at least. The first eight months of the year I learned nothing, the last four I'm packing it all in. Will the start of 2008 be as uninformative as 2007's?For example, last week I learned that when trying to restrain an angry cat, it's best to gently grab them by the scruff of the neck. This seems to trigger an automatic TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-61635097968016812022007-10-13T01:07:00.001-04:002007-10-13T01:39:53.707-04:00DUNKCan you spot the 7,500 things wrong with the picture at left? Send entries to John.Goodman.The.Roseanne.Dad.Possibly.Alcoholic.But.That.Was.TipToed.Around.On.The.Show@gmail.com1) The woman's hand is not merely disappearing into the cat's chest fur, it's actually disappearing completely. Is this a result of RADIOHEAD'S innovative new e-commerce with their latest release IN RAINBOWS or is this TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-58217559631688387632007-09-26T17:41:00.000-04:002007-09-26T18:06:33.844-04:00ON COMBOSI was never really a huge fan of Combos snacks when I was a kid. I think even at the age of 12 I realized that the premise of condensing an entire mouth-watering pepperoni pizza into a tiny pretzel cylinder filled with a pasty substance was preposterous. I mean, there are so many factors involved: a pizza is a rather complex food item--sauce, cheese and toppings all need to maintain a TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-78617859252157867212007-08-31T13:46:00.000-04:002007-08-31T14:10:44.993-04:00AND I WONDER IF YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANSI use this little device called SiteMeter (see? it's right over there, on the right) to track visits to TID. One of the cool features of SiteMeter is getting to see what exactly referred the viewer here. Some hits come from omgtru, others come from my cohorts' various blogs. A great deal come from search engines. I seem to have cornered the market on certain TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-64505716261608609852007-07-30T21:30:00.005-04:002008-05-19T12:10:14.640-04:00ONE FALSE MOVE, GET SWISS-CHEESED UPLet's take a walk through our new neighborhood:Blistering Hot Kittens Cafe1010 Telegraph (at Epsom)353-0290Appearance: Blood red awning, caricature of kittens with their paws up, establishment name in pink cursive.Do you go in? Bad move. Kittens are in fact being individually scorched via butane torch on lovely imported marble bar. Downsides include inattentiveTID Staffnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-9952977564050984682007-07-08T00:29:00.000-04:002007-07-08T00:32:27.696-04:00PERSPECTIVE“Tonight we’re going to rest and just let things take their course.”These words were the first I heard upon waking, on the futon, in New York City. I was unsure at first; it had been a long three weeks. Airports, taxis, bedrooms, couches, check-out times, calling cards. We live in a world of technology now. You are always connected yet if you dip your face too far into the shimmering TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-8686237293309308442007-06-20T12:33:00.000-04:002007-06-20T12:40:27.418-04:00TELL ME WHERE TO GOThe weather woman on TV the other day made a smug point of letting us all know that Summer doesn’t officially start until Thursday, despite all the recent soaring temperatures and the old familiar stench in the subways and the perspiration that coats you as you trudge up the block to the grocery store. If this isn’t Summer then what would you call it? I can only describe this TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-35615661998642055192007-05-30T11:06:00.000-04:002007-05-30T11:38:47.054-04:00TRINA IS PRETTYSummertime descends like Trina's rubbery ass on a cold porcelain toilet seat.Editors will take the above sentence and hack it to pieces. Kids, sit down because I want to tell you about the illustrious world of writing. First things first, don't write. If you find yourself having to write, use words like "illustrious" here and there instead of simple adjectives like "fun". It makes TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-85578502162767087852007-05-09T23:12:00.000-04:002007-05-09T23:22:18.779-04:00FROM A LONG TIME AGOGeorge Burns appeared to me in a dream and rapped this. He was butt-naked. I managed to jot it down verbatim when I awoke. It was more speak-singing than rapping.Hot-shots, one-hoppers, choppers, the Eight Hole, sinkers, straying foul. The terms spill out of the television speakers and I get bored and pick up the small plastic clamshell phone from the coffee table. Alex, Amy, TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-18268407067409561072007-04-27T18:58:00.000-04:002007-04-27T19:01:58.920-04:00ONE YEAR OLD TODAYHere's to another year. I would have thrown something better together but I didn't realize it was the anniversary of the blog until a few minutes ago, and it's five minutes to quitting time. So, uh. Eat your cake. Eat it.TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-35610339464924409772007-04-20T16:19:00.000-04:002007-04-20T16:34:50.372-04:00THIS ISN'T ITIt's the first real day of Spring. I had a dream last night that I had left work early, drained my bank account and hopped on a flight to London. I got there, weary, weak in the knees, and realized I had no hotel or any money to do anything. But I was relaxed and elated to be in the genteel, unfamiliar confines of Great Britain. It was sunset and I took the tube into town. The TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-34171814096290551792007-04-07T00:28:00.000-04:002007-04-07T00:49:23.766-04:00THIS IS THE MOST BORING NIGHT OF MY ENTIRE LIFEI'm so bored I've listened to this same Papoose song on repeat for the last six hours and thirty one minutes. Here it comes again... THUGGA THUGGA THUGGA THUGGAI ate an entire bag of Ore-Ida frozen crinkle-cut fries. It's like eating a bag of dead childrens' penises, really. I'm not just saying that trying to be funny. If you find yourself alone, TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-74219060994343529732007-03-28T23:15:00.000-04:002007-03-28T23:49:55.957-04:00ON LIGHTNINGWe are driving. She leaves the air on in the car all the damn time. I swear to God, if it’s over 40 degrees out the A/C has to be blasting forth. If it’s less than 40 degrees out, we have to leave a window cracked. It drives me fucking nuts and I’m sick of it, to tell you the God’s honest truth.Now we are at a gas station and I am pumping the gas, of course, because she never offers TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-14784466535053598912007-03-13T22:03:00.000-04:002007-03-13T22:27:09.232-04:00SWIN CASH, PLEASE HAVE MY CHILDEver had that truly deep boredom? The kind where little thoughts don't even flitter towards the surface before fizzling out; instead you've just got blank, empty blackness where something should be. This must be what it feels like to be shot in the head. This must be how Mussolini felt after eating his last pizza.I'm not racist, ok? I just think certain races shouldTID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-10743459267573813712007-02-23T17:04:00.000-05:002007-02-23T17:28:47.799-05:00FAKE FUNAbout a year before I was beaten down by those rappers in Miami, I was living a pretty good life. We were eating pizza in a brightly-lit, modern restaurant near downtown. It was a very narrow restaurant and I kept having to scoot my chair in whenever someone would appear behind me. The tables were all very close to each other and it was with some relief that we ate our pizza once the TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-54070268159525902562007-02-08T17:20:00.000-05:002007-02-08T17:50:42.975-05:00ANNA NICOLE AUTOPSY PHOTOS (Shameless Publicity)I could really go for a nice ice-cold lemonade right now, in a chilled glass, with a wedge of lime. I would like the lemonade served in a very discreet manner; the waiter mustn't approach too quickly, however he must leave in a brisk manner once I have been served. I would like a glass ash tray please, circular, with at least two but no more than TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1169787063165735282007-01-25T23:09:00.000-05:002007-01-25T23:54:40.446-05:00 COFFEE BEAGLE We were watching television late at night. It was really windy outside. Once in a while a tree branch would bang against the vinyl siding of the garage. An advertisement came on for the first season DVD of Get Smart. It showed Maxwell Smart and a German Shepard with some sort of apparatus strapped to it. I turned to my housemate and said "that dog is long dead by now." He nodded TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1166574314214871102006-12-19T19:17:00.000-05:002007-01-23T23:58:36.783-05:00WHO GOT THE KEYS TO MY BIMMER? NO REALLY, I'VE BEEN CARJACKEDOk first of all, why is it spelled 'bimmer'? That sounds like it should rhyme with Zimmer. It should be 'beamer' or 'beemer,' shouldn't it? Try asking a Red Lobster waiter this. People are too rude these days. So I'm here at the office late, recapping the year that was. TID has been going strong now for 3 years, can you believe it? I TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1164843946852010342006-11-29T18:44:00.000-05:002006-12-18T01:37:47.613-05:00DOES MAYES WANT SOME CHIPS AND SALSA?paul at sonic (5:13:51 PM): u want some salsarbx6jm (5:13:57 PM): nopaul at sonic (6:43:19 PM): u want some chips and salsarbx6jm (6:44:17 PM): y u have salsapaul at sonic (6:44:56 PM): nopaul at sonic (6:44:59 PM): but u want somerbx6jm (6:45:11 PM): nopaul at sonic (10:32:41 AM): lerners computer fucks it uppaul at sonic (10:32:53 AM): by the waypaul at TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1164223937499254782006-11-22T13:56:00.000-05:002006-11-30T18:17:40.506-05:00YOU GOT THEM FUNNY-ASS COLORS ONEverybody ready for the holidays? I sure am, what with my 101-degree fever, runny nose and stiff throat. Last night I watched House and dozed off on the sofa. I had a dream that Queen Latifah worked at Baskin Robbins and we were flirting. She gave me a free two-scoop Mint Chocolate Chip with whipped cream. Then the gunshots started and we dove for the floor in slowTID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1163023077453915552006-11-08T16:52:00.000-05:002006-11-14T06:24:43.023-05:00BRDIt’s the rainy season, which keeps us inside, which keeps us with nothing to do. Let’s have a chat. I’ll go first.Jessica Savitch was a prominent NBC News anchor in the late 1970s and early 80s. Some speculated she would eventually earn a spot with Brokaw co-anchoring the nightly newscasts. Persistent rumors of drug and alcohol abuse were seemingly confirmed when a disoriented and slurring TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1161198491978038302006-10-18T14:36:00.000-04:002006-11-14T06:25:09.770-05:00IN AN UGLY TOWNJacksonville is a coastal city in the northeastern portion of the state of Florida. It has the distinction of being the most populated city in Florida and the largest city (square mile-wise) in the continental United States, and has a metropolitan area spanning Nassau, St. Johns, Baker, Clay, and Duval counties with a metropolitan population of over 1 million people.Get InI saw TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1160673065681583742006-10-12T12:49:00.000-04:002006-11-14T06:25:55.000-05:00OH HOMEY DON'T KISS MEFall plans:Back in the day I told someone about getting chased by hounds in the mist, around 3:30 or so in the morning, way up Fifth Avenue around where there are a lot of gated gardens. I didn't want to be chased by the hounds over in Central Park in some wide-open space like the Sheep Meadow or down winding paths by the 66th Street Transverse Road. No, it has to be in a TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1159306851059544512006-09-26T17:36:00.000-04:002007-01-26T08:17:24.570-05:00WELL THIS GOES ON AND ON, SHYpaul at sonic: i ate a bunch of skittles once and my pee turned bright redpaul at sonic: smelled awful too, like burning rubberrbx6jm: was a dreampaul at sonic: and made this WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE soundrbx6jm: are you sure you weren't peeing a 76 chevy novarbx6jm: it happenspaul at sonic: i was peeing a 76 cherry cokerbx6jm: 1776paul at sonic: right on TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1158860670001467772006-09-21T13:27:00.000-04:002006-09-21T13:46:56.300-04:00BUT OH DON'T YOU MISS SOHONow this is more like it. Bloodless coups, fall weather, trans-atlantic travel. This is probably one of the most sensible and human reactions to political upheaval that I've ever encountered. When Cheney feels the pressure of public outcry, he goes to a private ranch in Texas and blasts at confined birds (and colleagues' faces). When Blair or Bush find themselves TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1157512127585079642006-09-05T22:58:00.000-04:002006-09-12T20:06:46.916-04:00DID YOU MEAN "EXERCISE"?One of the perks of living with Jerrf Loawariaguhlathin now is that we spend a lot of time cooking dinner after work and then engaging in writing exercises. Well, we've only done it once so far but it was fun and it has to be better than sitting by myself in the broom closet ignoring writing, which is what I've been doing now for the past sixteen months. So tonight we tookTID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1157415443869739762006-09-04T20:03:00.000-04:002006-09-04T20:17:24.060-04:00FOUR DAYS OF LIME ZESTI formed a band with Jeff and Randy. We are called RICKY HENDERSON'S SUICIDAL KISS. We're from Tukwila, Washington. I play a giant garbage can. Our first single is called "I'm In (Luv With A Blogger)". The cover of the record sleeve has a giant photo of Ken Griffey Jr. hooking a large-mouth bass on a fishing pier. The lyrics go a little something like this:Good Things Gonna TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1156361243609530302006-08-23T15:13:00.000-04:002006-08-28T12:59:10.020-04:00WERE YOU AWARE?I have never eaten ketchup in my entire life. I plan to never consume it. This may sound stupid but I feel that 25 years on this planet without even a taste of it is something to be proud of. It's good to have goals, and one of mine is to go to my deathbed having never tried it. I grant my friends and family full permission, however, to completely coat both my casket and tombstone TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1155754936744229402006-08-16T14:38:00.001-04:002006-08-22T13:21:55.626-04:00WHERE I RANT ABOUT MUSICMy agent phones me at 3:40 in the morning screaming about how I'm losing face with the kids. "Fuck the kids," I say, but this line of defense is useless. Minutes later I am pacing in the dark in my room, chugging bottled water. Minutes after that I'm peeing in the dark and I can't stop. Help.Rick Ross makes me upset. Did I ever tell you the story of the horrible daycare TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1154880729764048522006-08-06T11:54:00.000-04:002006-08-15T10:55:06.196-04:00FEET TASTE DELICIOUSExample number 320948201 of why I am of no use to society. The following conversation occurred when I was trying to schedule a routine check-up for my cat:CAT HOSPITAL EMPLOYEE: Hello, [NAME OF CAT HOSPITAL DELETED] can I help you?ME, SENSITIVE MAN WITH A KIND HEART: Good afternoon. I'd like to bring in my cat for a check-up on Monday.CHE: Alrighty, what time on Monday would TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1153473547271786612006-07-21T05:17:00.000-04:002006-07-27T20:52:11.280-04:00CHEESEBURGER, COME HEREHannah is 5ft 4in tall, medium build, with mousey brown shoulder length hair and was wearing a black "ra-ra" skirt.http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/beds/bucks/herts/5201162.stmMEET ME IN {ENGLISH PROVINCIAL COUNTY - PLEASE INCLUDE POSTAL CODE} IT'S GOIN' DOWNTID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1151687628194310822006-06-30T13:12:00.000-04:002006-07-20T12:59:11.063-04:00CAN YOU CRACK THE CODE?Tom Hanks ain't got shit on me.TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1151595917451940912006-06-29T11:21:00.000-04:002006-07-08T18:02:42.186-04:00FISHSITTIN' UP IN N.Y.C.I have been asked to take care of Jeff's fish while he is away on a camping trip for the extended July 4th holiday.I feel a cold wind blowing into these fishes' lives. A cold, life-sucking, vacuum of a wind.Look, it's not that I want the fish to die. It's not that I'm a cold, heartless bastard. I love all animals (except for tarantulas and those fucking things with gills TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1150476381083198012006-06-16T12:38:00.000-04:002006-07-12T10:11:16.333-04:00WELL I NEVERSir Paul McCartney turns 64 on Sunday. You know, that song he wrote a long time ago...Yeah, anyway, I wondered if anyone would punch Paul in the face if given the chance. So I asked around the office:paul at sonic: hey chrisEienFlow: hey Paulpaul at sonic: would you punch paul mccartney in the face if given the chanceEienFlow: hahahapaul at sonic: you gotta do it manEienFlow: why do TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1150238318717370922006-06-13T18:34:00.000-04:002006-06-15T15:29:04.746-04:00I AM A CONSERVATIVE BLOGGER NOW. IT IS FINANCIALLY LUCRATIVEFuck The Pixies and the New York Bar Scene.Aphex Twin is an overrated noodler who just gets lucky by pressing a few buttons.Fat black welfare queens are responsible for the new Modest Mouse album being continually pushed back.Puerto Rican reggaeton producers The Luny Tunes are our children's future.Our children have no future, unless youTID Staffnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1149022219439387132006-05-30T16:49:00.000-04:002006-05-30T16:54:14.436-04:00PAINSometime in the summer of ‘92 my Gotta Have It card went missing.I didn’t even get a chance to use it to purchase Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizzas at a discount rate. I never got to whip it out at the local Kerr Drugs to save on 16 Ounce bottles of Pepsi, Diet Pepsi and/or Mountain Dew. I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye.LAST SEEN IN A FLOURESCENT GREEN GOTCHA WALLET. Somewhere in the TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1147110040829226022006-05-08T13:26:00.000-04:002006-05-30T13:54:32.983-04:00SHAMELESS PROMOTIONFrom Wikipedia:Jon Mayes is a controversial blogger and neo-conservative from New York City. He launched his highly-read "Mr. Darsie's Time Machine" shortly before the 2000 presidential election, when it was used as a smear tactic against Democratic hopeful Al Gore. In 2005, the Democratic National Committee successfully lobbied the United States 5th Circuit Court Of Appeals toTID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1146604509142442522006-05-02T17:06:00.000-04:002006-05-04T20:00:13.270-04:00FUN HALLUCINATIONS1. Mickey Mouse playing with his own crap2. Charles Barkley playing bass3. A giant piece of Texas Toast singing Pixies songs (not that fun if you're actually in Texas, I've found)4. Lil' Wayne on trial for War Crimes at The HagueI'll add more as I think of them. You hear that? TID is going FUTURISTIC. Continuous updates, man. We're stepping into some wobbly looking mirror and TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1146249050898236142006-04-28T14:14:00.000-04:002006-04-28T22:41:03.460-04:00RANDOM THOUGHTSOK so why is it exactly that hand-picked berries are so much better than machine-picked ones? I admit I am not particularly refined--my idea of a good night involves tall boys and basic cable--but can you really savor the berries that much more if they're actually hand-picked??? When we used to walk around and consider breaking into people's houses, we would stroll past these TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1144966216010827682006-04-13T18:09:00.000-04:002006-04-17T21:53:17.693-04:00QUALITY JOURNALISMMan, I knew the Grey Lady was in decline but it's really something when the Post is one-upping you in the headline game:CLASSYTID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1144189378287877402006-04-04T18:05:00.000-04:002006-04-18T07:01:42.173-04:00 HORSE COP So I was walking to the train this brisk morning, hurrying down 34th Avenue as I am wont to do when 20 minutes late for work. At 37th Street I noticed a cop on a big light brown horse. I kind of stopped in my tracks and stared at them as they turned the corner onto 34th and clippity-clopped (Is this the right verb? What do horses do?) away towards the next stoplight. Is it just me or TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1141862168801561242006-03-08T18:52:00.000-05:002006-04-17T07:24:54.133-04:00BREAKING NEWSALERT > NEW YORK -- Paul Nair has just completed a reverse slam dunk. Details to follow.UPDATEYeah, thumbs...TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1141153653021165192006-02-28T13:57:00.000-05:002006-04-19T22:56:37.630-04:00SHAMECat in Germany Has Bird Flu (Yahoo! News)Well, good job you little bastard. You just had to go eat the damn bird didn't you??? YOU HAVE BIRD FLU NOW... STOP IT... STOP IT... Was it worth it?? Was he tasty? You don't like the Meow Mix??? WE BOUGHT YOU THE MEOW MIX LIKE YOU ASKED FOR... And you don't even eat it! YOU DON'T EVEN EAT IT. YOU EAT THE BIRDS AND NOW YOU HAVE THE BIRD FLUGOD DAMN TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1140626577285861582006-02-22T11:27:00.000-05:002006-04-17T07:14:27.650-04:00JOIN BODE?So I'm sitting at work conversing on AOL Instant Messenger. I notice that there's a little advert in the lower left corner of the IM window that says "IM JoinBode". OK, I figure, this must be some automated chat bot set up to talk like Bode Miller in conjunction with his Nike endorsement and the Winter Olympics. So I decide to take the plunge, and I'll be damned, but:Talking with the TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1139869164128110802006-02-13T17:01:00.000-05:002006-02-13T17:19:24.200-05:00M25Have you ever looked at Found Magazine? These sort of things always amaze/depress me. On the one hand, I love catching a glimpse into a stranger’s life, but on the other hand I’m constantly reminded of how boring my own life is. I mean, let’s see what’s in my wallet or jacket that I might accidentally drop for a random pedestrian to find:-ATM receipt (balance $4.40)*-Metrocard-Chinese TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1138923972749501742006-02-02T18:45:00.000-05:002006-04-17T07:28:24.683-04:00SCIENCE IS AMAZINGTID Staffnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1138920092954031232006-02-02T17:38:00.000-05:002006-02-02T17:41:32.966-05:00WHAT KIND OF DRUGS DO YOU NEED?uppers?downers?i got 'em all...poppers?clippers?speakers?what kind of mood are ya in?dozers?wackers?peekers?tweeters?oh so it's like that, huh?leapers?slappers?scooters?or how about some good old fashioned crankers?TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1138748528397791372006-01-31T17:58:00.000-05:002006-07-14T08:07:49.376-04:00PINK LOVEI’m going to step aside from my regular ramblings and amble down a path I usually avoid here on This Is Depression:Rap music.So while I’m at work everyday, I keep a steady eye on hip-hop blogs, usually reading about the latest gossip and drama between artists. I guess it’s a pretty good barometer on how boring my job is when I resort to reading about who Bun B knocked out at a club in TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1138385125319577092006-01-27T12:53:00.000-05:002006-04-17T07:27:40.670-04:00FAN FICTION MANIAFor those who don't know, FAN FICTION is when people write stories or pseudo-episodes of their favorite TV shows. Recently I found this site , which is a wonderful repository for hundreds if not thousands of fan fiction pieces. Seriously, this place is a gold mine of unintentional humor. My favorites are the Full House stories. I mean, I love the show just as much as anyone, butTID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1137612174897327912006-01-18T14:20:00.000-05:002006-01-18T14:22:54.910-05:00 NOT GUILTY, MOTHER FUCKERS YO MAN MY MAIN MAN PAUL NAIR IS INNOCENT WORD IS BONDMAN PAUL NAIR AIN'T DONE NOTHIN' WHAT CHOO TRYIN TO TELL ME GOD?I'M SAYIN SON LET MY MAN PAUL NAIR GO HE AIN'T DID NOTHIN'TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1137527972682661062006-01-17T14:52:00.000-05:002006-01-17T15:05:23.523-05:00 WE WANT THE DUNK, GOTTA HAVE THAT DUNK Greetings, Gentlemen.Ladies, please leave the room. Thank you. Your place is in the kitchen.Well, Happy New Year, everyone. It’s good to see you all back. Let’s get down to business, shall we?I suppose I should let you all know of my current plans, before you hear about it on the news and my face begins appearing on currency and aprons and all that:On MarchTID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1134621999777647752005-12-14T23:28:00.000-05:002006-04-17T07:19:50.016-04:00Mash-ups Are The New Hip Trend If you don't like what I'm saying, then buckSwing when you see me, we can throw them hands, suckaIf you ain't noticed, nigga, I don't give a fuckIf I said it, then I meant it; and what, fuck nigga?-Rapper T.I., from his 2005 song Stand UpWhy are you so angry all the time? I don't understand what you have to be angry about. Okay, my dog bit you. You liked it! You TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1132246496974732272005-11-17T11:51:00.000-05:002006-04-17T07:21:05.373-04:00 My Afflictions Hammer ToesYoung MC AnklesLL Cool BladderGrandmaster Flash and the Furious BowelsBoyz II MeningitisDipset CrotchMary J Blige Pancreatic CancerEditor's Note: This post bites the excellent bloop.org TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1130471560260317252005-10-27T23:45:00.000-04:002006-12-29T14:10:08.560-05:00 A Night On The TownI got out of the subway station. The entire neighborhood smelled like maple syrup.“You don’t know how lucky you got it,” I thought, as I lit a cigarette.Wait a minute. POISON. I’ve smelled it before. Listen, people. I’m a world-class investigative journalist. I’ve seen things that’ll make your heart skip and your legs do a doggie-dance. I’ve seen bad things. Bitch slaps. I’ve TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1129159697953602642005-10-12T18:52:00.000-04:002005-10-12T20:00:43.380-04:00From Yahoo! NewsPortland Becomes City for Indie MusiciansOther breaking Yahoo! News stories:Breathing Air Helps Keep You AliveDogs Are Enormously CuddlyCitizens of Baltimore Are Less Than DesirablePoliticians Found To Be Less Than HonestOpposite Sex Found To Be Quite AttractiveThis Is Depression Infrequently UpdatedAlright enough posting for me for six months. This is getting to be too close to TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1128965876911834042005-10-10T13:36:00.000-04:002005-10-10T13:37:56.916-04:00 Yep TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1127841612712966722005-09-27T13:04:00.000-04:002006-04-17T07:21:51.096-04:00 At Work, Bored Kermit the Frog goes on 'tour' in Disney campaignWhen Kermit goes on tour, does he ride in a van with a bunch of sweaty indie rockers? Does he stop in tiny college towns and play on stages tucked in corners of crappy, wooden bars with revoked liquor licenses and $1 cans of PBR?Does Kermit wear Godspeed You Black Emperor t-shirts and girl's jeans? Does he sport aviator sunglasses TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1126472954642849232005-09-11T17:08:00.000-04:002006-06-25T05:16:32.506-04:00On PizzaMy name is Paul Nair and I do not like holograms. I was just talking to a friend of mine, and he was telling me that at Lincoln Center, in New York, there is a walkway to holograms. Basically you walk up a big ramp and into a giant hologram.Let me ask you this, developers: what would God think of your blasted holograms? They’re weird and they make me feel funny when I look at them. When ITID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1125459324041492712005-08-30T23:34:00.000-04:002007-01-08T13:05:18.516-05:00 Chapter One I accompanied Hastings and his father to the elder’s company picnic. It was a gorgeous day there in Suburban Philadelphia, with bright sunlight filtering through the groves of tall elms, all below a shocking blue sky. I had previously thought such days came only from the well-adjusted lenses of professional photographers with extensive knowledge of exposure and aperture settings.It TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1124341640668574442005-08-18T01:06:00.000-04:002005-08-18T01:08:35.690-04:00Brilliant ExecutionNow why can't we have state-funded media like this in America?TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1123127547017809132005-08-03T23:51:00.000-04:002005-08-03T23:52:27.030-04:00 Here, I wrote this backstage at the Chingy concert. How Did I Know You Were HomeI’m piloting the grey sedan through a violent thunderstorm on Route 15. On the radio, some jazz combo is making a furious racket, all cymbals and shrill blasts, and it seems like they’re live in the studio making a soundtrack to the weather outside. I reach for the knob of the stereo but the controls are unfamiliar TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1122341571751018562005-07-25T21:32:00.000-04:002006-04-17T07:24:09.230-04:00 Hey On A Hazy Afternoon “My micken-mack! My micken-mack!” That’s what it sounded like the kid was shouting. I was asleep in back of a 1993 Ford Taurus station wagon. Some plastic molding was sticking into the back of my head. It was very uncomfortable. The kid did not help. We were in a McDonald’s parking lot.“What the fuck is he shouting about?” I asked up front, where they were sitting with TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1119471237899190202005-06-22T16:02:00.000-04:002006-04-17T07:13:04.483-04:00 Dr. Phil A lot of people have been talking shit about Doctor Phil recently, calling him an ignorant hick and making fun of his accent, and deriding his television show based on its content. For example, a typical episode of "Dr. Phil," begins with an overweight or goth teenager, dressed in church clothes and sitting on a cream-colored, over-stuffed sofa, flanked by his or her parents, one of TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1118189970057688982005-06-07T20:17:00.000-04:002005-06-07T20:19:30.063-04:00 Where Have All The Monkeys Gone? by Jesse Sneddon, Attorney At LawDay One:I mean really, what the fuck?? I've been living in New York City my whole life, and I've never seen fewer monkeys tooling around in enormous '50's Cadillacs than right now. Where the hell did they all go? I know they're not on vacation, because they don't have jobs. I also know they didn't move because their sense of TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1117231139184236082005-05-27T17:52:00.000-04:002006-04-17T07:23:21.906-04:00 Thumbs So I’m in North Carolina but on my way here I had a layover in Washington, DC. The connecting flight never came because of maintenance problems and so we were given free hotel rooms for the night by US Airways. They put me in the Hilton on Connecticut Avenue NW, near my old stomping grounds, and I was content to do this for one night provided that I get on the first flight out the next TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1114571232980587862005-04-26T23:05:00.000-04:002006-04-17T07:11:50.410-04:00 No Contest! I was in my best friend’s bathroom the other day, snooping, when I spied his deodorant stick sitting on the sink. On the cap of the stick was a sticker, showing a baseball player in mid-swing. It read, “WIN A-ROD’S ROAD TRIP!” There was a lot of fine print below the picture, and the lighting was kind of bad in there, so I had to squint really hard. Here’s what I found: No Purchase TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1111469803944315692005-03-22T00:31:00.000-05:002006-04-17T07:10:43.396-04:00That GoatThat goat’s been saying things to me again. Weird things. Strange things. I think I’m gonna report him to my local police officer.The other day, I was walking down Morehead and I thought I saw Caroline, but it was just a swirl of brown leaves in the wind and some well-placed sunlight. I was shouting, “Caroline! Caroline! Please!” Then that goat came out from behind an old house covered TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1109898409535271582005-03-03T19:55:00.000-05:002005-03-03T20:06:49.546-05:00 I Shot Talib Kweli I'm sitting in LaGuardia waiting for a continually-delayed plane, bored to tears, and I found this, written last fall. Diary of a Stumped Brain September 22, 2004:Dear Diary,Gosh, I sure can’t think of anything to write. I keep trying to think of ideas, but all I can think of is the number four. I wonder how many people in the city have exactly four dollars in their wallets TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1109695290515171872005-03-01T11:33:00.000-05:002005-03-07T22:21:31.040-05:00 Radio! Gleaming God-Damned Radio! I will be appearing on National Public Radio's Weekend All Things Considered this Sunday, March 6th 2005. Check your local listings for station and time, but I know in New York it can be found on WNYC FM 93.9 between 5:00 and 6:00 PM. I will be on with The Ethicist, Randy Cohen of The New York Times, discussing a hypothetical ethical dilemma in my life. Do checkTID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1109037203615443512005-02-21T20:45:00.000-05:002005-02-21T20:55:24.456-05:00 HOLY SHITBALLS! A BOOKI've been waiting months to write this post, but I've also been very lazy. Finally, though, I can tell you that This Is Depression is now available in book form! Excuse Me, I'm Lost is 198 pages of the profane, irreverant, misogynist navel-gazing you've grown to love/hate for all these years. From its inception as a crudely xeroxed zine in Greensboro to a rarely-visited TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1107034198609619082005-01-29T16:21:00.000-05:002006-04-17T07:22:35.506-04:00That Person Wanted To Talk To You, Rob. Fuck Them
I am sitting on the black leather couch in my old apartment, watching Maurice play some video game where all you do is kill people. Rob is supine on the very same couch, asleep, ocassionally woken up by his phone. Nearby, Joey is also asleep, snoring, on a futon, an avocado-colored blanket covering most of his body.
It is Saturday afternoon, TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1106200831162815462005-01-20T01:54:00.000-05:002005-01-20T01:00:31.163-05:00In Memorium
The world prematurely lost a tremendous voice on January 16th, that of Washington Post columnist Marjorie Williams. To get a sense of the beautiful way in which this woman crafted the English language, please read her final column, from shortly after Halloween of 2004. She knew she would not survive to see the autumn of the next year, and, well...a synopsis cannot do it justice. TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1105680378745370582005-01-14T01:21:00.000-05:002006-04-19T02:51:44.286-04:00Encyclopedia Dad
Encyclopedia Dad was frustrated. He sat in the garage, forlorn, waiting for the phone to ring. It was a beautiful Saturday morning outside, but he sat in the dark behind a card table and a cardboard sign reading “Encyclopedia Dad: Mysteries Solved. Not A Reference. Don’t Ask. $25.00”
Earlier that morning, Encyclopedia Dad had cracked the case of the effeminate son. It turns outTID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1103951264216313262004-12-25T01:05:00.000-05:002006-07-20T09:42:32.163-04:00 Rollin' S40
Sure, once there was the Miami girl. She could be called an old flame, but old flames usually don’t turn from the window pane when you run up in the rain in your jogging shorts, pointing at your watch furiously. I guess she doesn’t remember much of our relationship; that used to be our code-word for “let me in.”
Miami isn’t always the sunny paradise people think it is. A lot of TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1102913610888931602004-12-12T23:51:00.000-05:002006-04-16T23:05:08.686-04:00 Where Did I Come From?
Tell the roast guy I want more steak. That’s what I heard in the drive-through speaker at Wacken Burger (A Division Of Wackenhut Security). I asked the voice to repeat itself, but it just beeped and hummed for about two hours. I wish getting a burger in this city was easier. It just feels like molding yourself a new clay penis whenever you want to get some cheap TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1100731682953466222004-11-17T17:42:00.000-05:002004-11-18T00:24:03.846-05:00Menu From Topeka
Correspondent and TID friend Joaquin Dorfman sends us this Microsoft Word document, found on a used laptop recently purchased at a thrift store outside Topeka, Kansas. It appears a rather disturbed restauranteur-in-the-making crafted his plans using the machine.
View It Here
TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1100146757410105972004-11-10T23:11:00.000-05:002004-11-10T23:19:17.410-05:00 Don't Trip
So there I was, standing in the middle of Park Avenue South screaming at a fruit vendor. I know what you’re thinking—this is how all stories in this god-awful town start out; someone is always standing around screaming at somebody. Then some other guy joins in the argument and by the time it’s all over, everyone is drinking and singing in some bar. By the end of the night, everyone’TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1098935514582109492004-10-27T23:48:00.000-04:002006-04-17T07:20:27.950-04:00 Rumors
There have been a lot of rumors floating around recently, and I’d like to address some of them. I know, I know—when you’re involved with writing on the web, anyone and everyone can read your thoughts and come to their own conclusions. 99.9999% of the world probably doesn’t know a thing about me, but they might read this blog and think I’m a conceited, racist troglodyte. Well, they smellTID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1097555487002843562004-10-12T01:28:00.000-04:002004-10-12T00:36:42.556-04:00 High-Pitched
There are some fears of mine that I suppose I should get out into the open before I run for “Most Loved Heavy Dude (Urban Area),” or as the kids call it, “All-American Big Boy.” After all, I wouldn’t really want these to come out in the heat of a hotly tested campaign. I’m caught off guard easily, and if some reporter were to ask me about one of these unexpectedly, it’s possible ITID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1096942371424573942004-10-04T22:02:00.000-04:002004-10-04T22:12:51.426-04:00Rats Were Like Better Hands
Today’s rats are pretty boring, if you ask the perfect man. The perfect man tends to think lots of things are boring, of course. Being perfect, not much lives up your standards, except Fritos, that is.
It’s a scientifically proven fact that God created Fritos in His image, and if God isn’t perfect, then what are you, some kind of asshole?
I didn’t think so. Now if TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1095990648756978512004-09-23T21:48:00.000-04:002006-07-07T10:28:41.143-04:00 In A Large Apartment Building
Day One: I’ve found it uncomfortable to be in the elevators with some of the older, more affluent residents. They see me in my sweat-stained Knicks t-shirt, holding a plastic bag of groceries, and I believe they think I’m a delivery boy. Boy, would my grandfather be upset if he knew I moved to the city and paid $1500 a month to have people think I was a delivery TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5495292.post-1095652753704991492004-09-19T23:55:00.000-04:002004-09-20T00:01:51.696-04:00 WHAT'S A GUY GOT TO DO?
To get a fucking slab of beef in this bitch? Ask Beth.
To see one sea lion, so that I can show it to my son, so he can take a picture, and maybe we can salvage one measly afternoon of this otherwise terrible trip to Sea World? It’s funny you ask this, sir. Quite recently, I was at my job, and for one reason or another (let’s not split hairs) I was called upon to watch TID Staffnoreply@blogger.com0